The Beauty in Imperfection
by Saplilpat
Summary: It's a twist to the story from My Candy Love. It will include all love interests and will go who knows where. Many events from the game will remain, but be altered. Dialogue will be identical sometimes, but more often of my own creation. Messed up past, mysterious future.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is being created the same as my other story _Because We Fall _which is to say, I have no game plan. For every update I have no goal or plan I simply sit down and write from where I left off letting my imagination go where ever it pleases. As such I have no more insight on who the main character will end up with than you. We will simply have to see into who's arms the events will place her. I am open to suggestions for scenarios, though I make no promises to use them. Please R&R. For those who want more info on why I am writing this feel free to check out my rather dull profile. **

_When my parents died I guess I felt I had to, I don't know. Grow up. It's not like I was ever really immature, but I was lazy- no doubt about that. I was responsible, sure, but if I could find a way to delay doing the boring things, I would._

I'd be royally screw3d if I didn't get over that now. I guess instinctively my brain knew that things were going to change. And that they did. Big time.

My Aunt for some reason was the person granted the title of godparent in my parent's will. Godparent. Who coined that term anyway? Isn't it a little outdated? Anyway, my Aunt of all people is now my legal gaudian. Lord only knows why. I mean I love her and all, but she seems like more of a kid than I do. Not that I'm a kid really, almost seventeen, does that still qualify as a kid? Not according to the kid's menu and movie admission it doesn't. So when I say she's like a kid I mean... Well, I'm not even sure if she knows how to boil a pot of water, let's just say that. She's sweet though...

She lives in a town called Laudrevill-Yah, I hadn't heared of it either- it's pretty small. Uncomfortably so. It's not to too far away from places more my style, you know, with malls and entertainment, but it still has that creapy village feel, the I-knew-your-mothers-mother-my-auncle's-your-brother's-friend's-sister-and-we-see-everything-so-dont-get-any-funy-ideas feel, you know what I mean? Maybe it's just me. Dinky towns off the beaten path always gave me the heebyjeebies. But I'm rambling again.

As I was saying, my aunt lives in Laudrevill in the apartment she manages or owns or something. She's on the mainfloor just off the lobby and she shunted me upstairs to some suite whos occupant recently croaked from a sudden heart attack a month back. She seemed to think that since they were gone and no one had taken interest in the place that she'd let me stay there under the condition that I help her with managing the building. Not that she gave me another option. She said I would enjoy the privacy and independence. I'm sure it'l have it's perks. At least I don't have to pay rent.

Speaking of changes, I've never had to work while I was in school, but I do now. I'm not sure how that will go. But how else am I going to feed myself if my aunt eats out all the time? And I can't expect her to to pay for my clothes and everything else. It's a good thing the guy at the (seemingly only) clothing store hired me on the spot- something about never having enough hands? Lucky for me I guess. I start tomorrow after school so that will be interesting. Though tomorrow is also my first day of school and that's bound to be exhausting, what with the meeting new people, introductions, funny looks when people realize I'm new, and the general aprehension of waiting to be accepted by someone, hopefully make a soon to be friend. Just thinking about it makes me tired, my heart beating like I just ran around the block for dear life.

No matter. It has to be done. And I have to get to bed. Good night, Diary.

Ps Write in Diary more often.

I put my pen down and shut my tattered and pretty much empty diary. Sighing I slip my picture of my parents inside.

"I love you. Talk soon."


	2. Chapter 2

I get up for school and put on the clothes I layed out the night before: A pair of black skinny jeans, a simple cream v-neck T, and a casual grey blazer, hoping it would be apropriate enough for work and not too over the top for school. I keep my makeup simple and clean: conceal the darkness under my tired eyes and cover the rest with a light dusting of powder foundation, add some pink to my cheeks, and lids, to make me look less dead, line my upper lashes with a little eye liner ( black today), curl my lashes, and a pinch of mascara. Okay so maybe it's not that simple. Did I forget to mention chapstick?

My mid-neck length hair is a pain to deal with so I run a brush through it and tousle it with my fingers a bit. The kinky waves that are always there, unless I take the time to straighten it, makes my hair look a little messy, but it's good enough.

I sigh at my refection. Maybe I should dye my hair. The dark brown, almost black, against my pale skin seems a bit odd to me. My light grey eyes make things even more awkward. I'm_creepy_. Or "exotic" some school phtographer once said. I think that was code for unique, which is code for wierd. And now this scar...

I make myself egg in a hole for breakfast. Egg in a hole, egg in a basket whatever you want to call it. And pack a boring, but delicious peanut butter and honey sandwich for lunch because I can't think of anything else. I make sure three times before I leave that I have all my ID, SIN card, money, pens, pencils, a note book- the works- and begin the short fifteen minute walk to school.

The school is simple and fairly easy to navigate. It only took me a couple of minutes to find the principal's office. The principal was nice enough for a plump elderly woman. Welcoming at least. She instructed me to seek out the student body president in the student council room to complete my registration.

I knock on the door three times before I enter finding a clean professional guy about my age. He looks up from his work smiling warmly.

"Hi there, I'm looking for the student body president. I think his name was 'n' something... Nat...Nath-"

He chuckles shortly. "Nathaniel." He clarifies for me with a very impressive grin. Most girls would probably swoon at the sight. Most girls. Not me.

"Nathaniel! That's it! Do you know where I could find him?" I ask politely.

His eyes seem to twinkle a bit, "You're lookin' him." He motions to himself causing me to blush. Such an idiot sometimes. "You must be the new student this year, what can I do for you?"

Stop being so damn charming? "The principal said you could help me sort out my enrollment-If you're not too busy of course." I add quickly. "You look like you have things to do. So I can come back some other time today. If you'd prefer. I don't mind." Why am I rambling? You sound morronic. I start backing away "I'll just go."

"Oh, no. Really. Now is just fine. It should only take a minute." He encouragous me with a wave of his hand and irritatingly charming smile.

I step back into the room and stand next to where he's looking through some papers. He seems focused so I stay silent.

I start to fidget, worrying that something is wrong. I rub my knuckle over the scar on my cheek repeatedly, a nervous habbit I picked up when the cut finally healed. Nathaniel glances up and notices it. I stop playing with it and look away. Please don't ask. Please don't ask. Please-

"Well... it looks like a few things are missing." He stands up with some papers and walks over to me. "let's see... You need a photo ID and $25 for enrollment." He glances at me a few times as he's pointing out where these things are indicated on the form. I see him eyeing my scar and I feel my cheeks heat. I avoid eyecontact not wanting to encourage his curiosity.

Please don't ask.

"Most importantly, you forgot to hand in one of the forms with your parents signature. You need that too." I stiffen when he mentions my parents.

My eyes sting and I clear my thoat. "Are you sure? Not to question your ability, but I _know_ I handed in all the forms. I was very careful about that." He looks at me funny. "Sorry." I add quickly, looking away again. I didn't mean to be insulting.

He stoops his head to look at me. "No need to be sorry." He says as he puts his hand on my shoulder. I flinch. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." I notice he's blushing when I look up at him. He's not them. "I'll check to make sure it didn't get put in another file, just in case. Okay?" He smiles at me again. My heart flutters. I'm scared. He's gorgeous. I'm scared. He's sweet. I'm scared.

I feel a cold sweat starting and my hands are clamy. I don't feel well. "Okay. Thanks. I'll, uh, get back to you later. Thanks. 'Good day!" I say as I rush from the room trying to look like I'm not freaking out.

I hear him call after me saying it was nice to meet me, but I don't stop walking until I get to the washroom. I sigh against a bathroom wall letting my head drop back. What is wrong with me? I take a deep breath. I can't _do_ this. I breathe deeply for a little while longer. I can't do that. I'm fine. I'll _be_ fine. It won't happen again. I shove myself off the wall and check myself in the mirror. I look like death. I fan myself and shake off my anxiety. You're being dumb.


	3. Chapter 3

I managed to calm myself down and somewhat enjoy the first day of classes. For the most part they all seemed promising. I even met a girl named Iris in my English class. She was very friendly. Seemed down to earth, but who knows. I had just finnished my last class before lunch and was eating my sandwich on my way to the dollar shop for my ID when someone blocked my path.

I look up to see a tall guy with unnatural wine colored hair. He looks moody. His arms are crossed and he's just staring...or frowning at me.

He's making me on edge."...Hi?" I raise my brow in challenge.

"Hi."

I don't like this. My body is tensing in defense. I feel my heart rate increase. "Did you need something? I have stuff to do." I cross my arms and shift my weight to one foot. Please let me go...

"Okay. Alright. Go." He steps out of the way with his hands up in surrender.

I eye him skeptically. Don't you dare. I walk past him slowly and glance back once. I sigh in relief seeing that he has already walked away. I don't like him.

At the dollar shop I get a poloroid picture taken for my ID and leave. I get back to school just in time for my next class. Before I know it the day is done and I'm getting my stuff from my locker to give to Nathaniel.

I Grab my photo ID and $25 and go to put it in my back pocket. Something runs into me and I slam into the lockers. I gasp. As I reach for my head someone takes my money and ID out of my hand. My heart stops and I can't breathe. I back away from a group of girls holding my money and ID jeering at me. "Please..." I look up at them through blurry eyes. My heart is beating too fast. No...Please no. Not again. Please!

I hear them laugh as their heals click away down the hall. I sink to the floor clutching my chest. I Stare at the floor blankly trying to reagain control. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. Leaning against the lockers I cover my eyes with my hand and take a deep breath. It's over. I'm fine. I push myself up from the floor feeling numb and head for the student council room.

He's there. Thank god. I don't want to be here any more. I clear my throat. "Um. Nathaniel? I, uh...need to-"

"Oh my god, what happened to you? Are you alright?" He rushes toward me and puts his hand on my shoulder again. I flinch and he pulls away looking concerned and guilty.

"I-I'm fine. But I can't- I need- Can I get my ID and stuff to you tomorrow?" It's hard to speak past the tightness in my throat and my eyes ache from holding back tears.

"Your _ID_? That's hardly important right now. It'l get taken care of. But what happened to you? Don't tell me you're fine because you're not. I don't have to know you to know something's wrong." He sounds very urgent and he puts his hands on both my shoulders, igorning my flinch. His thumbs rub my shoulders soothingly

My lip starts tembling and I cover it with my hand as I look away, trying to fight off a sob. Stop. I stop breathing trying to prevent the shakiness from being heard. but I can only hold it for so long. I can't... I let out a long shakey breath. I shake my head trying to clear it. I lay my hand on the closest thing to me for support as I will my strength back. I pull my hand away like I was shocked when I realize I had put my hand on his chest. "Sorry." My voice sounds croaky.

"What happened?" His voice is softer as he tries to catch my eye.

I look at the ground and clear my throat. "Some girl took my money and ID."

His brows furrow. "Who?"

I shrug. "I've never met her. Unless pushing people into lockers is a greeting here."

"She pushed you into the lockers too?" I can't tell what his voice sounds like. Shocked? Mad? Sorry?

I nod.

"What did she look like?"

I think for a minute. Blonde? Blue eyes? No. Grey? I don't remember. "I- She had blonde hair like yours. Kinda pretty. Tall, I think. She was with some other girls too, but I can't recall what they look like."

His frown deepens and he looks conflicted. "Was she wearing any jewelry? Anything else you can remember about her?" He finally lets go of my shoulders and crosses his arms.

"I think so. A big necklace, maybe? I think she had a white bag, too..." I sigh. "I don't know. She came up behind me and then I panicked."

He looks away, his cheeks flushed. "I think... it might have been my sister..."


	4. Chapter 4

I stare at his openly ashamed face as he looks away from me. "You're- You're sister? But she's... well I could say cruel, but certainly less, um, mature, than you are." My voice is still a bit uneven, but stronger.

He seems to blush in a less shameful manner at that, though he still looks guilty. "I'm really sorry. Let me at least reimburse you for what she took and I'll go with you to get another ID. I'll make sure the principal won't get after you about it being a bit late too. It's the least I can do." He looks at me pleadingly as though I was a jury deciding his fate.

I resist the urge to lay my hand on his cheek to comfort him and settle for awkwardly placing my hand on his shoulder like he has to me. "It's not your fault. You don't owe me anything. Even if it was your sister, it's not. Your. Fault. Okay? You had nothing to do with this." I offer him an encouraging smile and drop my hand back to my side. That was weird. I don't think I've ever done that.

He looks away again and rubs a hand over his face. "I used to be really mean to her. When we were little." He sighs looking guiltier than ever. "If she's bullying people it probably _is_ my fault. I'm really sorry. Please. I insist, let me make it up to you."

Awe. "Alright. Okay. But you were just a kid and you've obviously-" I notice the time on the clock behind him and gasp. "NO! I have to go! Sorry I have to-" I pull him towards me and kiss him on the cheek like I would my mother. I gasp. "Sorry!"I say covering my mouth and blushing furiously when I realize what I did."I didn't- I don't- Didn't mean- I'm so sorry. I have-" I'm not making any sense as I back away towards the door. He looks just as shocked as me. "I have to go! I'm late!" I yell as I run through the door.

I can't believe I just did that. I touch my lips as I leave the school and glance behind me with confusion. I can't believe I just did that. As I am not paying attention I run into something.

"Whoa now! Watch where you're goin' would ya!" A half amused half irritated person chuckled at me.

I look up to see that wine haired guy again. My heart starts beating too fast again and I feel my body getting tense. "_You_ again? Listen, I'm in a hurry. So if you could...?" I motion with my hands for him to step aside.

He crosses his arms and smirks at me. "You're the one that walked into me remember?"

I cross my arms with a huff. What does he want? If he even so much as..."Are you following me? Or is it your favourite pastime to make people uncomfortable?"

He laughs. "_Am_ I making you uncomfortable?" He raises a brow at me.

I look him over again, really studying him this time. I inspect his eyes looking for a tell. He looks away uncomfortably and starts shifting his weight. His hair covered most of his face, but a blush was still visible. I fight back a humoured smile realising the cocky jerk isn't as tough and careless as he makes himself seem. "No. I'm good. But I'm late so excuse me...?" I trail off in a way to ask his name without doing so directly.

He seems shocked by my answer and looks back at me again before putting his mask back on with a smirk. "Castiel."

"I imagine I'll run into you again sometime, Castiel. Good bye." I smile at him with a curt wave before walking past him stiffly, uncertainty still niggling at the back of my mind.

"Hey! Wait! You didn't give me your name!" He shouts after me. I merely turn to walk backwards long enough to give him a sassy smile. No, no I didn't.

I walk to the clothing store as quickly as possible and apologize profusely for being late as soon as I spot the manager who is on his way out. He looks at me horrified for some reason. His eyes wide and mouth agape. He walks towards me like he's afraid to get close with his arms open.

"Shh. Shh. There, there. It's alright."

I stop my tirade of apologies and furrow my brows at him in confusion.

"It's alright dear. What happened to you?" His age speckled skin crinkled in concern.

"Huh? OH! I- it's a long story, but I'm fine now I think." I smile at him convincingly.

"You've got a cut on your lip and a bump on your brow and you've obviously been crying. I mean no offence young lady, but you look awful. Let's get you cleaned up and we'll talk about it, okay?" He gently scoots me to the back of the store and has me sit in one of the chairs in the staff room. He dampens a wet paper towel and hands it to me as he takes up a seat across from me. "Now tell me, what happened to land you in this state?"

I explain what happened in vague terms avoiding any unnecessary details and keeping it as short as possible. I notice he can tell I'm only telling half the story, but he lets it go and changes the subject. He instructs me kindly to get tidied up before he shows me the ropes and introduces me to the rest of the staff.

I step into the small washroom and peer into the tiny square mirror. I groan. No wonder he treated me like a wounded stray. I can only imagine what I looked like earlier... I would probably feel guilty too if I had a sibling make someone look like this. I touch my lips again remembering that I kissed Nathaniel. I still can't believe I did that. It was...soft. I duck my head and smile with embarrassed pleasure. Looking in the mirror again I wonder why...What was his name? Caseal? Why he didn't comment on my...state.

I get rid of the tear tracks, and pat my hair down. I don't have any make up with me so this tired but tidy look will have to do. I take a deep breath to relax and leave the washroom to go meet the staff.


	5. Chapter 5

I walk out to the front counter and look around expectantly for the staff. A moment later the manager comes out of what I assume is the stock room with one other person. I double check to make sure there are no stragglers behind the second guy, but there isn't. Hm, small staff.

The manager gives me a warm smile. "You look much better. All is well?"

I nod shyly in response.

"Good to hear. Now , this will be your co-worker Leigh." He motions to the elaborately dressed guy next to him and I bow my head with a polite smile. "Leigh, this is Laolanna She'll be here most days after she's done at school and whenever we need her on weekends."

Leigh offers his hand and I accept it with feigned confidence. "A pleasure to meet you." He has a soft voice, and soft hands, but not feminine. His longer black choppy hair gives him both softness and edgy style, it's odd, but somehow attractive... I meet his eyes briefly. Dark chocolate brown and...guarded? It's unsettling, but he seems nice enough.

"Well, now that's taken care of. I myself am late. Leigh I'll let you handle the rest. Good luck you two." With a nod to each of us the manager takes off leaving Leigh and I standing in awkward silence.

We glance at each other. "Come. I'll show you around." He motions with his arm for me to follow.

He gives me a quick tour of the place explaining how things work and what the rules are. I pick up on what to do pretty fast, it's quite simple. He's a little odd, but he seems to be loosening up.

"Have you worked here long?" I ask as confidently as I can muster as I fold a shirt.

His lips curl up at the corners ever so slightly. "For a while now,yah. I dropped out of school so I could do this and focus on doing what I enjoy."

"Really? So, you're really into fashion then. I guess I could have figured that out just by looking at you." I laugh nervously."You're dressed very nicely by the way. It's different, but it's nice." I scratch the back of my head feeling embarrassed. _Why_ did I have to say that?

He smiles, more fully this time. It's a nice change from the guarded look. Warmer. "Thank you. My brother dresses in a similar way. Perhaps you've met him. Lysander, he still goes to Sweet Amoris."

I shake my head. "Not yet, no. I've only met a handful of people. Today was my first day." I continue folding clothes trying not to think about what a day it's been. Should I wait for Nathaniel or just get it done before school in the morning? It would be better to get it first thing, but I should probably wait. I-

"Laolanna!"I blink and look up. "Are you alright? I was talking to you and you didn't even notice." He sounds kind of insulted and definitely worried.

"I'm sorry. I was thinking. I guess I zoned out. I honestly didn't hear you." I shake my head before offering an apologetic smile. "What were you saying?"

"Nothing. If you don't mind my asking I heard you had a rough day, what happened?"  
He gestures to my face.

I blush remembering that I look awful. "I don't really wanna talk about it, but the short story is some girl took my money and my picture for my ID. Needless to say, she wasn't nice about it."

He looks a little sad. Maybe that's confused. Or shocked. He's a bit hard to read. "I'm sorry to hear that. I don't remember it being a violent school. I hope the rest of the semester is kinder to you." He's sad. That's definitely sad. Why does he care so much?

We spend the next couple of hours getting to know eachother through small talk, tidying the store, and helping the few customers that come in. Before I know it my first shift is at an end. We say goodbye after we close up and head our separate ways.

"See you tomorrow, I guess." I say while stifling a yawn. "It was nice meeting you." I wave.

"Good night, Laolanna. Get some rest." He inclines his head in goodbye and turns around walking away.

I smile at his retreating back. He was nice.


	6. Chapter 6

I ignore the anxiety coursing through my body as I walk home in the dark, repeating to myself that there's nothing here, it's a small town, and the chances of something similarly horrible happening to me again are unlikely. Luckily it's a short walk.

I sigh against my apartment door when I finally get inside, exhaustion becoming all too obvious. I lazily make my way to the fridge tossing my things wherever and decide as I stare at a take-out container with a note from my aunt on it that I don't feel like eating tonight. I close the fridge door and get ready for bed.

Sitting down at the desk in my room I take out my diary. I slide the picture of my parents out and smile at it weakly. I feel my lip tremble and my eyes are growing blurry. I stare at the picture without seeing until I start rocking myself as tears slide down my cheeks. Why? Burying my face in my knee that I pulled to my chest I stifle a sob. Why? I weakly knock at my head trying to make it go away. Make the pain go away. The memories. The tears. Anything. EVERYTHING!

"Mommaa!" I start sobbing harder.

"Momma..."

My head starts to ache so I force myself to breathe more evenly. I feel my strength leaving me and I welcome the numbness, not caring that my nose is so stuffed up that I have to breathe through my mouth.

I fight back another sob. "I need you..." I let out a shaky breath and let a few more tears slide down my face as I rest my cheek against my knee.

I stare blankly at nothing for a while. Listening to the silence. My breathing. I Sigh heavily and start fiddling with one of the corners of my diary. Pushing away my sorrow for the moment I grab a pen and start writing.

_Today went on forever like it could've been a whole week. I miss them. I miss them a lot. And after everything today... It shouldn't be like this. God I'm so lonely._

Whatever. I had issues again today. It was pretty bad. I won't be mentioning that at my next appointment. That would just make things worse and I'll get stuck having counselling for the rest of my life. No thank you.

It happened out of nowhere and for no reason really. I mean nothing really happened. Well the thing with my money, I guess that makes sense. It was just all too similar and in that moment I wasn't at school any more, all I could see was that night. It was like it was happening all over again. I was terrified. And I panicked. I felt like such an idiot. I can't be doing that in public, and definitely not at school. I thought I was getting better, but I freaked out before then too and he didn't even do anything, he was trying to be nice. I know she said its normal to be timid of people for a while, but for how long? It's been months! Every time Nathaniel casually touched me- like I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it- I would flinch. And I wasn't thinking that he would hurt me or that he had any hidden intentions, but I flinched like he did. It was so embarrassing, but at the same time I was really scared. I don't feel like I can trust anyone any more. I mean I knew them! They were friends...

The whole saying about how you never really know anyone seems so painfully true. How am I supposed to live like that? In fear of everyone. Expecting, or waiting, or knowing, or thinking that at any moment even those I think I can trust my life with can turn around the next moment and take life away...

And then there's that red head guy. He was outwardly hostile, a real jerk. And he made me uncomfortable, but I felt like I had time to prepare. To defend myself if I had to. And it was like I WANTED him to try something. And that doesn't make any sense. I'm terrified of people who seem nice and dare people who might actually hurt me to try. What kind of person does that?!

But when I ran into him later he didn't seem like a bad person. When I really looked at him he seemed as nice as Nathaniel, even though he doesn't act like him. Does that make sense? But what do I know? I was wrong before. Couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm so confused. Nathaniel makes me nervous, but I don't know if it's a good nervous or not. I know I find him attractive and I know I WANT to trust him, but I'm afraid to. I plan on trusting him, but I'll try to be more careful about it. Right now he's the closest thing I have to a friend. But then again if his sister took my money...

I don't even know how I feel about the person that took my money... Scared I guess. But I was so wrapped up in the past when it happened that I don't know what to feel about her and the other girls with her. Because to me they weren't there. They were THEM. And she really did hurt me. You'd think that of all the people to be afraid of it would be her, but part of me wants to see her again. Part of me wants the chance to return the favour. But that sounds so bad. If my counsellor knew I was thinking like this- I don't even want to know what she would do.

And for some reason even though Lee was really hard to read I wasn't afraid at all. Maybe he's the one I should be most afraid of... But I can't be. At least not openly because I have to work with him. Maybe I just felt safe because we were at work and no one would be stupid enough to do something like that while they were at work. But no. He doesn't seem like he would hurt me. But now the more I think about that, the more worried I'm getting.

I don't know what to do.

God I miss my parents. I know that if they were here I wouldn't be having this problem, but if I did, they would know how to make it better.

I hope tomorrow goes better. I'll be spending some time with Nathaniel to replace what was stolen possibly by his sister, and I work again tomorrow with Lee (in a uniform), but I think I'll be okay. Starting tomorrow I'm going to live off the assumption that tragedy like mine only happens once in a life time because I can't go on like I did today- I don't want to live in fear any more. It will be hard, but I'm gunna try. At the very least I'll explain my behaviour if it comes up. I think I'm ready to talk about it now.

PS I almost forgot, I kissed Nathaniel for some reason. I've never voluntarily gotten that close to anyone before, except my family. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way. I was thinking of my parents when I did it, but it made me a little giddy after. I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh, no... I hope tomorrow isn't awkward.

Goodnight.

I close my diary with a yawn. I look down at the picture of my parents again and blink, two tears slide down my cheeks. I can do this.


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up earlier than I intend, but choose to get a move on anyway. I slip on more casual clothes than yesterday knowing that a uniform is waiting for me at work later. I figure some well worn jeans and a simple T-shirt will do. I can do this. I look out my bedroom window and notice that it's raining with a sigh. I grab my leather jacket with the knit hood and head for the kitchen.

I eat the leftovers my aunt put in the fridge last night, thoroughly enjoying the chicken pesto linguine and not caring for a moment that it's not exactly breakfast food. I can do this. I'm not going to let my past rule my life. It still hurts and it probably always will, but they would want me to be happy. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I swallow my pasta a little harder at that, briefly recalling how close to death I was. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe I should take up singing again, it always helped me deal with things before.

On a whim I start looking for my Ipod. When I find it stashed in a drawer in my room I skim through the play list before settling on an upbeat, but fitting Kelly Clarkson song. I feel the goosebumps raise on my skin as the music starts and the lyrics start coming back to me.

"You know the bed feels warmer  
Sleeping here alone  
You know I dream in colour  
And do the things I want"

"You think you got the best of me  
Think you had the last laugh  
Bet you think that everything good is gone  
Think you left me broken down  
Think that I'd come running back  
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong"

I feel my throat getting tighter knowing what comes next and I give it my all. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone  
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter  
Footsteps even lighter  
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone" My voice cracks a bit, but I push through it, fighting through the tears that want to break free and start using my hands for emphasis. striving to pour my soul into every note.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger  
Just me, myself and I  
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger  
Stand a little taller  
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"

"You heard that I was starting over-"

The phone rings and I jump being brought back to earth. I rush over to the phone and answer it out of breath.

"Hello?"

"Hi. I, uh, It's Nathaniel. Listen, I didn't mean to interrupt, I mean I wouldn't normally do this, but- Well, I mean I never use people's files like this and It's sounds like your busy-"

My heart skips a beat. What? I quickly walk over to the door and look out the peep hole. My eyes widen. I hang up and open the door.

"What are you doing here?" My heart is beating too fast. "How long have you been standing there!?" So embarrassing.

He blushes and looks away as he rubs the back of his neck. He heard me didn't he? Oh my god...I probably sounded terrible. No one has ever heard me sing! So awkward."I, well... only a little while. Okay longer than a little. I was waiting outside, but then I thought you wouldn't see me. So I figured maybe I should come up and knock to let you know I was here, But then I figured maybe I should call fist. You know, in case you had other plans this morning. And then you started singing and I didn't want to interrupt, but then I thought maybe you wouldn't want me to hear and I was going to leave, but I called instead. Sorry."

I groan. "You heard?" He nods not looking at me. Great. My cheeks flush. "How do you even know where I live?"

"I looked it up in your file. I would normally never do that, but I thought maybe it would be best if we got your ID before school and I said that I would take you. I'm sorry. I went about this all wrong. It wont happen again."

I sigh. "I- Don't worry about it. Uh, but if you could keep the singing part to yourself..."

He looks at me shocked. "No! No, of course not. I won't say anything about this to anyone. I promise." He smiles at me weakly before shuffling his feet awkwardly as he looks down at them.

I hesitate for a moment, not really sure what I'm comfortable with before deciding to dive right in. "Uh, come in." I awkwardly open the door wider for him and step aside. "I just have to grab my things and we can go." I say shakily as he steps into my suit while I pick up things without looking, causing my self to stumble. I blush. Ooo, so awkward! Why do I have to be such a clutz sometimes... I put on my coat and grab my school bag off the floor. "Uh, let's go I guess." I motion to the door.

He looks me up and down and clears his throat. He looks like he's trying not to smile. "I think maybe you forgot a couple of things." He points to my feet.

I look down and realise I'm not wearing shoes. I blush again with an awkward laugh. "Oops. I guess that's kinda important huh?" I scratch my head and walk away into my room.

As I'm sliding open my mirrored closet I notice my reflection.

"Oh migod." I let out a whimper. "Really?" I whisper to my reflection as I try to comb my hair with my fingers. I don't even have makeup on. I probably look like death to him! I grab a brush only to realise I'm making it worse. I quickly tie my hair in a loose bun at the nape of my neck and plug in my straightener. It only takes a moment to heat up so I do make makeup as quickly as possible. I don't want to keep him waiting so I quickly dust my face with some mineral powder add some pink cheek stain to my lips, cheeks, and lids. It's hardly visible, but whatever. I put a little mascara on the tips of my lashes and forgo everything else. I Swipe my straightener over the fluffy pieces of hair in the front that are too short to reach the bun so it lies flat and frames my face semi flatteringly. I then realise I can't find my flats so I slip on a pair of old tennis shoes and leave my room all flustered from my haste.

"Sorry I took so long." I say quickly and out of breath. "I couldn't find my shoes and stuff." I avoid making eye contact as I pick up my school bag again and head for the door.

He smiles warmly at me from beside my kitchen counter where he took to leaning with his arms crossed. "Relax Laolanna, I'm fine. It was only a moment. I came by without being invited, so don't rush on account of me."

He's so nice. And that smile! "Yah, but still. I didn't want to be rude. I didn't have much left to do anyway." I smile back at him shyly, finally making eye contact.

Shouldn't have made eye contact. I look away blushing as my heart flutters around in my chest like a trapped bird. His eyes are so gorgeous. Why did I never notice them before? I look back into his eyes. A rich brown with brilliant flecks gold decorating the whole iris. Like the morning glow of the sun peaking through forest trees... I clear my throat and shake my head when I realise I'm openly gaping at him.

"Sorry. Your eyes. I didn't notice them before." My eyes widen. "I mean. I did. But I didn't really. I mean I didn't really look. They're very pretty." Wait what? Pretty? Really? Why did I have to say that? Why couldn't I say _sorry, I spaced out_ or _sorry I just remembered I forgot something_... Hello me, please insert foot in mouth. Oh wait, there's already one in there!

He laughs at me like I'm an adorable fluffy animal doing dumb cute things. "Thank you." He keeps his charming smile but his ears are a bit pink. "I noticed your eyes seem darker today. But they're still beautiful."

I look up at him shocked as my whole face heats up. I try to smile at him in thanks but I end up looking away and biting my lip. Then I remember the bruise on my brow and the scar on my cheek and realise he's just repaying the compliment. "Thanks. They kinda change sometimes. Should we go?" I walk over to the door and open it for us to leave. He takes my lead and we head out for the dollar shop.

The whole drive over to the store, as short as it was, I rubbed my scar uncomfortably. I wouldn't mind telling him about what happened. Maybe not everything, but the brief version. Then again, that would probably put a dampener on the the day. It's not exactly a happy story. Plus I don't really know him. I don't want him to pity me and it's kinda a lot to lay on someone. Probably would be best to keep it to myself. For now.

It only takes a couple of minutes to get my ID taken care of and he has me keep the change which is ten dollars and insists that he pay my enrolment fee when we get to school. I tell him it's not necessary, but he won't have it any other way.

He eyes my scar a few times throughout the whole process but says nothing. When we get to school we gather all my paperwork together and put it in a file to give to the principle and I thank him for the thousandth time. Just before the bell rings he stops me before I leave.

He looks at me tenderly and I try very hard not to look away, but when he brings a hand to my face and gentle rubs his thumb by my bruise I give in and look down at his chest. I manage not to flinch, but my body still grows tense. His touch is as tender as his gaze, and his voice no different. "I'm so sorry. I'll do my best to make sure this doesn't happen again." He lets his hand fall back down to his side.

I look up at him, half missing his touch half glad he stopped. Maybe I really can do this. "Don- Thank you." I smile at him fondly. Truly thankful for all he's done  
when he didn't need to do anything but at the most say sorry.

He still looks so guilty and I'm tempted to do something about it. Hug him maybe? Make a joke out of it? Ask him to coffee? Maybe just lay a hand on him...like his shoulder? But before I can come to a decision the bell rings and we go our separate ways.


	8. Chapter 8

As I'm heading to my last class before lunch I run into an old...friend-sort of. He used to randomly hang around me all the time at my old school. Attended the funeral for my parents and tried to cheer me up after. He was working on asking me out on several occasions, but I managed to waylay his efforts before they really came to fruition. As awful as it sounds I find him odd, and a little annoying even though he's incredibly nice. Sometimes I think I'm being shallow because maybe I only think that way because of how he looks, but, well, when you put his dorky boyishness together with his awkward clinginess...I don't know.

"Hey Laolanna! How are you?" He asks excitedly.

"Good, but what are you doing here?"

"Yah, that's good! I really wanted to be in the same school as you, so I transferred!"

Oh dear..."Really? That's...sweet of you. Have you completed your registration?"

"Yes! They didn't ask for many forms so it was pretty quick." He puffs up his chest a bit at this like he's announcing a mighty accomplishment. Well at least no one gave him trouble... yet. "I hope the kids in my class are nice."

"Me too." I murmur to myself. "Just... Uh, be safe. Most of them should be alright." I say to him feeling the need to protect him, but not wanting to say too much.

"You're right! Be cautious, but be positive! Thanks Laolanna, you're the best!" Oh no! Don't- He hugs me around the middle awkwardly and runs off. I really wish he wouldn't do that. I breathe a sigh of relief when he lets go of me and leaves. He never gives up does he?

My skin feels weird having my personal space invaded and I resist the urge to shiver uncomfortably. Just as I'm about to enter my classroom I notice a guy wearing Victorianesque clothes and pause. I wonder if that's Lee's brother... What was his name? Anders? Lyson? Damn! I can't remember. I think about approaching him, but decide against it. Before I can look away and head for class, he turns around and sees me. He must have noticed I was looking at him because he smiles at me knowingly and bows his head as he raises his hand.

I look around unsure, double checking to see if he was in fact waving at _me_. No one else seems to be looking in his direction so he must be. But when I look to wave back, he's gone. Oh. My bad. That probably seemed rude.

The bell dings signalling the start of class. I snap out of my reverie and rush into the room just before the teacher shuts the door.

"Sorry!" I squeak to the teacher as she looks at me with that look all teachers have. I wonder if it's part of their training... I sit down at the nearest desk avoiding her gaze and still feeling her eyes boring into soul. Ooo I'm _sorry_! Stop it! I hate being late.

"Well! Now that everybody's joined us, let's begin shall we?" The teacher says with false cheeriness.

I reach over into my bag and pull out a notebook when I see the guy from the hallway. How the... How is that possible? I look at the guy more closely just be sure. It has to be him. Hard to mistake someone with white hair and Victorian clothes. But- He would've had to walk right in front of me...

"_Ms. Yates_, you can admire Lysander's sense of fashion later!"

My whole face is warm and is probably very red. I open my mouth to protest but nothing comes out. I wasn't! Now everyone is looking at me except for Lysander I notice with a glance in his direction. I look down at my desk willing away everyone's stares and whispers.

"Hey _Lysander_, looks like the _new girl_ wants you." I hear some girl whisper.

"What a player! I heard Nathaniel kissed her this morning!"

What?!

A guy leans towards the girls whispering about my supposedly very active love life. "I heard she killed her parents."

I perk up at that. It seems everyone else does to. Even Lysander glances at them.

"Dude, that's so hot!" Another guy states, not so quietly.

I frown and start to feel nauseous. What is wrong with these people?

"Mr. Larang! Sit! Down! All of you! That is quite enough! I want QUIET! You can talk _after_class and NO sooner!" The teacher shouts but I don't really hear her.

How do they know about my parents? And they think I... JERKS! It's not a _joke_! I clutch my stomach trying not to visualise what they suggested.

I take a deep breath and scrunch up my eyes. I can do this. It's just a rumour. They probably just made it all up. I start doodling on my note book to distract myself. They obviously made up the part about Nathaniel kissing me because nothing even remotely close to that happened. You can't confuse touching someone's forehead with a kiss. He was too far away to kiss me even if he wanted to.

What a ridiculous class. I hope Ken is having better luck... I finally shake off my thoughts and focus on listening to the lecture. I had already missed half the class so lunch comes rather quickly.

As I'm getting my lunch from my locker a calm male voice addresses me. "You work with my brother, right?"

I look to my left and see Lysander standing next to me looking thoughtful with his right arm working as a perch for his left elbow, allowing his thumb to rub at his chin. I'm startled by his sudden appearance, but I try to smile in a friendly fashion. "Yah! I-I think so. Lee, right?"

He smiles that knowing smile from earlier. "I thought so. He was telling me about you last night. I have your uniform."

"Oh! I, uh, thank you." He recognised me by description? Is that a good thing? It was probably the scar that gave it away.

"It's in my locker. I'll give it to you after school."

"Okay. Thanks." He nods and turns to leave. "Oh! Wait!" I go to grab his arm, but hesitate and awkwardly tap it instead.

He turns around with a raised brow, I blush and duck my head. "Sorry. I wanted to apologize for earlier. I wasn't. I mean not that you don't look nice. Cause you do- I mean not that I was looking! But in class it's not that. I was confused. Cause you were in the hall and then you were there and...Oh never mind. Just, I'm sorry." I attempt an apologetic smile, but it's pretty weak. Well that was awkward.

He chuckles softly. "Thank you. You didn't do anything so there's nothing to apologise for. I'll see you later. It was nice meeting you, Laolanna." Laolanna? He knows my name?

I watch him walk away honestly admiring his sense of fashion. He's...wow. He's so...different. Bizzar. Gorgeous. His hair is wild. White with black tips kinda long on one side in the front. Wavy all over. A bit shorter in the back. And his eyes! I don't normally make eye contact, but I couldn't not look. Mismatched eyes usually creep me out, but his were amazing. Two hazel eyes, one golden and one leaf green. They were fascinating.

"Laolanna, hey!" I jump. Ken comes up behind me excitedly. "I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch together? I have cookies!" The smile on his face is so hopeful I can't possibly say no.

"Uh, yah. Sure." I offer him a kind smile and reluctantly let him drag me outside by the hand. I try to ignore the stares we're attracting, but I can already see a story forming its way through the rumour mill. Wonderful.

We end up sitting on some stairs where he eats his cookies and get's crumbs everywhere. I try not to look uncomfortable, but lunch can't end soon enough. We talk for a bit about his classes. Cookies. And just in the nick of time the bell rings. He was about to ask me how I was doing, but I managed to escape that uncomfortable conversation and thanked him for the company before making my way to class.


	9. Chapter 9

I somehow managed to doze off in the middle of my class and didn't wake up until the bell went. Something I've never done before. I was sleeping so hard it took until the class emptied before I even realised where I was.

Panicking, not wanting to be late _again_, I shove everything into my bag haphazardly and stumble out of the classroom. When I'm done at my locker I remember I'm supposed to get my uniform from Lee's brother, but realise I have no clue where his locker is. I start looking up and down the rapidly emptying hall seeing no sign of Lysander. Shoot. Maybe I should just go. Maybe he's already at the store... As I'm hesitating to leave I see Lysander out of the corner of my eye coming from around a corner and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"I was worried that you had already left. I didn't know where to find you." I say to him as he approaches me looking similarly relieved.

He looks mildly embarrassed by my comment for some reason. "Yah, sorry. I should've planned that better. I couldn't find you either. Anyway, here," He says as he hands me a small pile of folded clothes.

I take the clothes gingerly, not sure what it is exactly. I unfold them and hold it up. I feel my eyes widen. Oh my god. "_This_ is my uniform?"

He merely nods looking thoughtful.

"But it's so... Bold. I- I mean its- I don't have the _confidence_ to pull this off." He raises a brow at me. "I suppose I don't have a choice though. I guess I should put it on now, I'm already late, I don't want to show up unprepared too. Thanks, Lysander." I fold the semi short black dress over my arm and head for the washroom.

"Actually I have to stop by and see my brother, so I can go with you if you want. It's partly my fault you're late."

I study him for a mintue before agreeing with a smile. "Sure. I'll be quick." I rush into the washroom and change as quickly as possible. The crinoline under the skirt is itchy and I feel exposed with the thin spaghetti straps and my legs bare. I then realise I can't get the back zipped. I grumble. I come out of my stall and look around to see if anyone else is around. There isn't. Great. I look down at my tennis shoes. These look _ridiculous_ with this dress. Darn it. I zip up the back of my dress as far as I can and try to hold the rest closed with my hand. With a sigh I grab my things and reach for the door, but it opens in front of me.

I step back startled. Not her!

"Oh. It's you again." She says as she walks into the washroom. At first she looks like she doesn't care, but I catch a hint of a devious smirk before she turns around and locks the door. "I hear you've been getting friendly with my brother..."

I start backing up sensing that this isn't going anywhere good, but she stalks my every move.

"You stay away from him. You hear me?" Her nose is practically in my face and I can't decide what I feel more: fear or anger. My heart is pounding in my ears and I frown.

"Back off." I stand up a little taller forcing her to step back a bit. I can do this. "And for the record, nothing happened between me and Nathaniel, if that's who you're referring to, but I'm not going to avoid him just 'cause you tell me to. So excuse me, I'm late for work." I make to step around her, but she grabs me by the arm. I instantly feel my courage leave me.

She smiles down at my helplessness smugly. "You better watch yourself." She slaps my things out of my hands. "Oops!" She giggles in feigned innocence and leaves. I see her wave to Lysander before the door swings shut, he looks at her with a cocked brow before glancing in my direction.

I sigh piking up my things. Jerk. I try to hold my dress shut again before stepping back out into the hallway with my eyes glued to the ground.

"Sorry." I mumble to my feet. "Um...I can't- Could you do this for me?" I ask Lysander awkwardly as I turn to show him the back of my dress, conveniently hiding my blushing cheeks.

I glance at him to make sure he heard me. He returns my glance and nods with a small kind smile. I focus all my energy on not flinching as he steps towards my back. I can do this. He won't hurt me. It's just a zipper.

He gently moves my hand from hanging onto the back of my dress and I blush, mortified at this situation: my back half exposed, bra on display, some guy who's a near stranger with his hands at my back, zipper in hand, in the middle of the school hallway! Kill me now.

I feel a couple of his fingers just barely touching my back at the top of the zipper and I repress a shiver. Part of me wishes he wasn't trying so hard not to touch me at all, and another part is glad for it.

I can almost imagine what it would feel like to have his hand on my shoulder next to my neck. Warm, gentle, maybe a little firm too... Choking me. Knife in my face. Sour breath in my face. Feeling at my body. Too rough.

I suck in a breath when I hear my name. I shake my head to clear the images and realise Lysander is standing in front of me with an expression I can't read.

I clear my throat. "Sorry. I guess I zoned out."

"Y-you were crying... Are...you alright?"

"Huh?" I touch my fingers to my cheek and notice it's wet. "Oh. Uh, it's nothing." Liar.

"Normally I wouldn't get involved... But did something happen?" He sounds uncomfortable.

I take a deep breath as I rub the back of my neck. I bite my lip as I look at the ground. I did say I would talk about it if it came up... I look up at him. Oh hell, whatever.

"Uh, well... I've actually never really talked about it before... Um, it's kinda heavy. Are you sure you want me to tell you."

Again I can't read his expression. "Only if you want to talk about it."

I glance around the hall to make sure we're alone. I don't see anyone. I must be really late. "Want to? Not really. But I probably should. Um. I'll keep it short. It's done so there's nothing you can do. It's in the past so don't worry about it. Uh, I- well just now, that was me remembering sort of. My parents were...um, m-murdered, killed. Uh, they're dead. Yah, s-some guy when we were walking home one night um shot them. Did this," I motion to my cheek. "Uh, It wasn't super long ago, so certain things still trigger memories. I'm not really over it yet." I clear the tightness in my throat and take a deep breath. "So...yah! There you go."

I'm trying my hardest to look as unaffected as possible so I don't make him uncomfortable, but my eyes are really stinging. I don't feel comfortable crying in front of him, I don't know him well enough for that. I look down and shuffle my feet, picking at my nails and blinking rapidly. Trying to shake of the wave of emotion coursing through me. It really wasn't too bad to talk about it. I thought it would be harder.

"What? I- I'm sorry. I meant in the washroom with Amber. It was not my place to ask such a personal question."

my eyes widen. "OH! Um, right of course. I thought- well of course that's what you meant... I didn't mean to lay that on you. I don't know what I was thinking. Um, 'Amber' you said? Uh, it's fine. She just wants me to stay away from her brother for some reason. I've had a run in with her before, but that's been taken care of. Um. Thanks for asking though." Ugh, great. Nothing like a first impression... I can't believe I told him all that! What was I thinking...

He looks really uncomfortable. "Listen, just forget I said anything. I shouldn't have told you that. And like I said it's in the past."

He still looks uncomfortable. "Let's go. I think I'm even later than yesterday."

I start heading for the shop and he follows. The tension is so thick I feel it on my skin like a wet towel. I can't stand it.

"I guess I should have thought of better shoes." I joke, wiggling my foot in front of me to try and lighten the mood.

He glances at my foot and his eyes seem to widen ever so slightly. "I-I forgot... Your shoes are in my locker."

He pulls on my hand so I have to turn around and follow him in the direction we just came from.

He pulls out some shoes and socks and hands them to me. I quickly put them on and pick up my old shoes.

"Here, you can keep them in my locker and get them tomorrow." He reaches for my shoes but I pull them away.

"I'm not putting my dirty, old shoes in your locker! They probably smell bad!" Oh ho, great now I have problems _and_ smell bad. Smooth.

He smiles at me knowingly again and takes my shoes putting them in his locker. "I'm sure it will be fine." I groan, but let him have his way.

Before we head for the shop again he steps back and looks at me.

"That looks good on you. Maybe you'l get into Victorian fashion too."

I blush. "Don't count on it. This isn't exactly comfortable, Lysander." I point to his clothes. "Is that comfortable?"

He shrugs, "To me it is, yah."

"I might just have to wear that then." I joke nudging him. Anything to make him forget what I told him.

He looks at me thoughtfully and then with a sly smile he says, "You might be able to pull it off," Before walking out of the school at last.


	10. Chapter 10

**I am baaack! Today... :/**

**I finally updated this story and this chapter has turned out to be quite a bit longer than the previous ones. This wasn't intentional. As I said before each chapter is like a freewrite, I don't plan on anything I have written I just write. I hope you enjoy this chapter most of it is diary writing and in true diary fashion the writing is rambling and disjointed. I did this on purpose so let me know what you think. I can tighten up the journal writing if you'd like, but I'm trying to keep it as authentic as possible. Well...My journal writing is like that anyway. Any comments you have will be greatly appreciated, even short ones like,"I like it" or "you forgot_".**

* * *

I lean against my apartment door with a sigh shutting it behind me. A smile slowly creeps onto my face. Overall...today was a good day.

I feel my heart thudding strangely in my chest and I bite my lip as I hesitate. Mm..just in case. I turn around going on my tiptoes to peer out the peep hole in my apartment door. My heart sinks and feels relieved at the same time. Right. Well it was nice of him to walk me home anyway.

I step away from my door shrugging off my backpack and letting it slide to floor. With another sigh I try to ignore the uncomfortable quite in my small apartment as I check the fridge for food. I pull out a take out container without checking its contents and place it in the microwave setting the time to two minutes. While my mystery dinner heats up I pull out my homework and start working on it at the kitchen counter. As I finish reading the first question the microwave beeps. Without removing my eyes from my work I blindly remove my dinner from the microwave and open it for me to dig in.

After nearly two hours and finishing up the last bite of my now ice cold meal, I sigh in frustration steeping away from my homework to throw away the takeout container.

Stupid homework takes too long...

I lay my head down on the counter burying it with my arms and stretching my back like a cat. I took several deep breaths before abruptly shoving myself back up and snatching my homework off the counter and heading to my room.

I plopped myself down at my desk, opening my homework once again. I can do this. I took another deep breath and settled back into doing the last few questions.

An hour later I slam my book closed and lean back. Finally! I let my head rest on the back of my chair staring at the ceiling.

Should I...? I don't know...maybe. But I don't _want_ to! I'm tired. But I kinda do.

I yawn and turn it into a frustrated growl as I mess up my hair. Fine!

I tap my fingers on my desk and bounce my right leg anxiously before pulling out my diary.

I stare at it for a minute trying to clear my head. I write about today and then I can go to sleep. Almost done. I flip it open to a new page. Where should I start...?

I sigh biting my lip with a frown. I shake my head.

_Dear Diary,_

_Um...sorry. I'm stumped at the moment. I had lots to tell you earlier, but I'm so tired now after trying to finish all of my homework. Which I did! But it was painful. SO boring! I should've just quoted the whole text book. It's not like they wanted me to think about anything. It was simply skim and quote information to answer the question. It's no wonder so many people don't care about history, the work is pointless._

_Anyway, that's not really important. I still don't know where to start...Hmm...This morning? I guess._

_OH YEAH! I forgot! So this morning was kind of super embarrassing. Nathaniel showed up before I was even finished getting ready. And coincidentally he showed up while I was belting out a Kelly Clarkson song. I'm crossing my fingers that he couldn't really hear me through the door. When I found him outside my door he looked as embarrassed as I felt so I don't know if that's a good sign or not. But he took me to get my ID like he said he would and it was a little awkward but it was okay. He didn't say anything about the kiss though so that was a relief. I was starting to feel really comfortable around him too. I almost told him about that night, but thought maybe I should wait. OH! but then!_

_Oi...Well I didn't tell Nathaniel about what happened, but I did tell Lysander of all people sort of by accident. And I had only just met him AND he's my coworkers brother. I really hate my luck sometimes. I felt so bad after I told him. He looked really uncomfortable. It's hard to explain. I was changing into my uniform for work and ran into Amber who is the psycho bitch from yesterday that stole my money and ID. Nathaniel's sister. And for a minute I thought I could get her to back off, but that didn't last long and then she slapped my books out of my hands. I guess Lysander suspected that she had done something when I came out to ask him to zip up my dress which I wasn't happy about having to do. He could see my bra! It was only the back of it but still it was quite embarrassing to have him zip up my dress in the middle of he school hallway even if no one was around._

_While he was zipping it up though I could feel his warmth radiating off of him and my mind began to wander...SHUT UP! I know what you're thinking! It's not like that! He just seems really nice and he's attractive. It's completely normal for a girl's imagination to wander... And it's not like I was thinking of anything dirty! I was just...you know...thinking of...how his hand...might feel along my neck. That's all. But in the next moment my fantasies were shattered by my memories._

_I guess I started to panic outwardly though I hadn't noticed. I had gotten lost in my own mind remembering that-that SICK-that guy and what he tried to do. I had started crying and didn't notice until Lysander interrupted my thoughts. So when he asked what was wrong, the first thing on my mind was the memory and not Amber which is what he was really asking about and so I told him briefly about my parents being murdered._

_Anyway he looked really put off by my "story" and it took a while for me to get him to look less like I just told him the world the world was going to end like a doomsayer. I can honestly say I probably gave the worst first impressions meeting Lysander today. First I ignored his hello in the hallway, then I looked like a stalker in class, and then I apologized moronically after class, and then told him my story, and put my shoes in his locker after saying they were smelly...Sigh. I mean really, could it have been any worse?_

_Regardless he walked with me to his brothers shop and took the blame for me being late. His character is evidently as gentlemanly as his Victorian attire. He even sincerely promised he "wouldn't tell a soul" about my parents without my permission when I awkwardly approached him about keeping it a secret just before he left. He also said he hoped to see me again which gave me butterflies as he smiled at me in his mysterious way, but he was probably just being nice. He probably says that to everyone. And I'm probably just being a lonely hormonal virgin...I say too much. _

_I wonder if there is something wrong with me... I mean for the number of guys I've "dated" and had nothing happen with... I haven't even really held a guy's hand before unless it was instructed by a teacher... And I've been asked out by 2 guys. Am I too weird? Maybe when they get closer to me they realize I'm not really as pretty as they thought from a distance...I don't know. But you have to admit it's really weird. None of them ever really looked interested in me so I don't know why they asked me out. Maybe :O! Maybe I'm one of those girls that no one likes! That everyone dares their friends to ask out as a prank. Am I one of those people? I didn't think I was that weird... Was I too shy? Maybe I'm over reacting... The second guy did ask me out because he didn't want to look gay even though I'm pretty sure he is... And the first guy, well he ended up being kind of a player and we were young. We lived too far apart and didn't really know anything about relationships...Sigh. I don't know. I'm just lonely. No one has asked me out in 3 years, actually, until I got to SAH none of the guys ever really talked to me. Here I've spoken to the guys more than any of the girls which is quite unusual for me. Maybe things are going to change. Mind you...I don't know if I'm ready for any of that now anyway. Not after what happened with my so called friends getting boyfriends. Sometimes life is too much of a shit storm._

_Jesus! I am so scatter-brained today! Okay, I swear I will stay on topic now. Where was I? Right. Lysander left me with butterflies and then his equally gentlemanly and attractive brother continued to give me butterflies. I wonder if my period is coming...I am way too sensitive lately. He seemed to loosen up more today and was quite easy to talk to. He even laughed a few times. He has a really warm laugh and surprisingly it was the sort of laugh that came right from the gut. I would have never expected him to have such a hearty infectious laugh. I don't even remember what was so funny._

_He asked me a bunch of questions about his brother, when we met and what I thought of him. I skipped over the more personal bits of our meeting, but he seemed interested in what I had to say. Taking in everything I told him with a thoughtful expression, his eyes guarded as I have come to expect. When we finished for the day he insisted that he walk me home and apologized a million times for not doing so yesterday. He was really sweet. If he didn't seem completely out of my league I would probably find myself falling for him. Other than his brother I don't think I've met anyone quite like him. But like I said, he is way out of my league. I would always feel inadequate next to him, but he makes an excellent coworker and I believe even a friend. _

_Actually he is so gentlemanly that he even kissed my hand as he said goodbye as we reached my apartment door. I blushed like mad and my heart pounded like never before. I can honestly say it is the closest I've ever been to a guy. How sad is that, eh? I will never forget how it felt even though we are just friends, it meant a lot to me all the same. Lee is a wonderful person and I am glad to have met him and his brother despite initial awkwardness. I look forward to getting to know them better. _

_Today was a good day. Even with the few hiccups I ran into. I really can do this. I am proud of myself and I think my parents would be too. May they rest in peace._

_Love always,_

_Me_

_PS things are really looking up._

I close my diary with a smile before putting it away. I look up at the clock.

1:00 am

Oops. I guess I got a little carried away. I stand up with a stretch and get ready for bed.

* * *

**One last thing...Leigh is spelled wrong on purpose. It'l get sorted out later. THAT I do have planned. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

I yawn against my locker, my eyes drooping without my permission. I want to go to bed...so tired. I feel my head bobbing but I can't bring myself to stop it. Just...

"LAOLANNA!"

I had a mini heart attack as my eyes fly open, startled by my name being shouted. I sigh in relief seeing that it's just Ken. I offer him a weak smile, "Hi...Ken."

For the past three weeks I've been hanging out with Ken during my free time at school. He's been a real comfort. Sometimes Iris would join us with her friend Violette. They were both very nice, but complete opposites. Iris was energetic and talkative, Violette was very shy and spoke to her feet every so often. I wouldn't be doing as well as I am without them.

Recently Amber had started causing problems again, stealing money from Ken and vandalizing pictures of me. Between the four of us I managed to shrug it off, but Ken was really upset last time and it took us days to make him feel better.

I suddenly notice Ken is crying, shaking the last of my exhaustion. " Ken, what's wrong?"

His lip starts trembling as he steps towards me. I tilt my head down trying to get a better look at him but he doesn't let me as he throws his arms around me and buries his head in my shoulder sobbing.

I feel my heart breaking as I hug him back tightly, not sure how else to comfort him.

"Ken. Shh, Ken. It's Okay. Shh," I rub his back subtly with my thumb feeling awkward about being so close to some one after so long. "Did Amber do something again?" I whisper in his ear.

He shakes his head in my shoulder refusing to speak. Another heart wrenching sob leaves Ken and I feel my eyes start to ache trying to hold back tears of my own. I haven't seen someone so upset in months. It brings back unwelcome memories, but I ignore them for Ken's sake.

"Shh," my throat is getting tense and it is harder to speak,"Shh, Ken. What's wrong?" I manage to whisper.

He takes big heaving breathes through his sobs, "I-I-" his voice cracks followed by another trembling sob,"I _love _you! L-laola-" he clutches chest balling as he starts balling uncontrollably. I look at him in crushed bewilderment as he takes off running.

"Ken! WAIT!" What did I do?

"KEN!" I yell running after him. I run out the school's main entrance where I saw him disappear to.

I shield my eyes against the sun's bright light, blinking back my own tears. I wipe them away hastily as I frantically scan the courtyard. Where is he?! I walk to the center of the courtyard listening and checking my surroundings.

I hear a car door open and instinctively look towards the sound to see a brief glimpse of Ken's sobbing form being ushered into his car by his dad. I stare with my mouth agape, not knowing what to do as I watch them drive away.

My surroundings feel surreal as stand in the bright sun staring at where I had last seen Ken and his dad drive off. It was oddly quiet, but all the small sounds, the wind, wind chimes off in the distance, the ruffling of leaves, a clinking metal noise from somewhere way off to my right, birds, all amplified. Not chaotic. Just, suddenly there. The sun making things crisp and washed out all at once.

I feel..._nothing._

Or maybe I feel too much...

I want to sit, or move, or do something, but I don't. I stand. Unmoving. An unnerving sensation somewhere deep in my chest. I can't put a finger on what it is. It's just there. Nagging. Subtle. Begging for something, but being shut up. Frustrating, but ignored.

I finally let my eyes drop and search for somethings in the empty space before me, but still not willing to move. Like I forget how.

I blink at the sound of the school doors opening. I glance out of the corner of my eye and notice Iris and Violette coming towards me.

Before I can turn to address them Iris has her arms around me in a suffocating hug saying, "I'm so sorry," over and over again.

I gently pull her off of me, "What's going on?" I ask plainly, unable to choose an emotion to speak with.

"Here," she says as she thrusts a stuffed animal at me, "Ken asked me to give this to you." she bites her lip and shuffles her feet.

I look down at the thing in my hands and notice it's a squishy stuffed teddy bear in a white T-shirt with a red heart on it. I blink at in uncomprehending.

"How does this explain anything?" I ask, irritation starting to creep into my voice unintentionally.

"Ken just came up to me had a mental break down ballingly confessed that he's in love with me and ran away only to be driven out of here by his father who didn't look like he gave a care in the world that his son is in utter misery and you give me a stuffed bear from Kentin thinking that would explain everything!?" I huff out in one breath not really angry at Iris, but making it sound that way all the same. I shouldn't have done that. I look at her apologetically even though I knew I didn't wipe all the irritation from my face.

Her eye brows shoot up, "He didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

Looking confused and embarrassed with her cheeks flushed and her eyebrows drawn she spoke quietly, "But...He said he was going to tell you..."

She began fiddling with her braid, "His dad is sending him to military school..."

"_What?!_"

She tucks her head down further, "Yesterday was his last day... He came today to say goodbye."

I stare at her unblinking my breathing a nuisance. My chest feels constricted. "Oh," I say as though I understand. "Kay."

I begin walking back towards the school building. All of a sudden my breathing is weird and I try to scratch the discomfort in my chest away. My face is growing tight my lip acting like it wishes to tremble.

The next thing I know I'm balling. I fall to my knees crying. I don't even know _why_ I'm crying, but I am. I sit on the ground head in my hands letting the tears fall. What is wrong with me?

Why _today_?

I _need_ him.

Slowly I calm myself down as Iris and Violette hover over me trying to make me feel better. I clear my throat and take a deep breath before standing back up. "Sorry," I mutter.

I put myself back together and lead them to the girls washroom inside. Looking in the mirror I blow a strand of hair out of my face. Guess it's going to be another day of looking like a wreck. I tidy up any makeup smudges before getting my friends' approval.

"You just look a bit tired. You look fine. Don't worry about it." Violette offered much to my surprise.

"Thanks, V." I said with a grateful smile.

In a sort of weird blessing the bell rang signalling the beginning of classes. We gave each other meaningful glances before going our separate ways, I stuffing my new bear into my backpack on the way.


	12. Chapter 12

Sitting in my last class for the day I really started worrying about what I was going to do. With Ken gone, I let out a sigh, I didn't really have anyone else to talk to after my appointment today. I hate these appointments. It's not like they help...They only make things worse.

I tapped my pen on my paper anxiously, not listening to a word the teacher said. I'm really going to miss him. Tears started blurring my vision before blinking and wiping them away. I guess I could talk to my Aunt if she's not busy and she'l probably just tell me that I have to go and that it is helping even if it doesn't seem like it, which is the last thing I want to hear. Ken always just let me rant and somehow chased away all the images and memories in my head without even trying. No one else here knows about what happened..

Sitting back in my chair resigned to having a horrible evening it hit me. Lysander! He knows. I let out another sigh. No...I've hardly spoken to him since the day we met. Still...it's him or my aunt. I start chewing on the end of my pen. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to ask at least.

The bell rings finally and I hurry to pack my stuff up. I have to catch him before he leaves. I head for the door but am stopped by the teacher calling my name. I freeze. Did she notice I wasn't paying attention?

Slowly I turn back around and hesitantly walk up to the teacher.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Is everything okay? You look out of sorts today. Your other teachers have noticed as well."

Great.

"Uh. My friend just moved away today, that's all."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. If you need an extension on your assignment just let me know." She gave my shoulder a squeeze with a sympathetic smile.

"Thank you. I'll be okay." I bow my head slightly before awkwardly walking away.

I let out a sigh of relief as I step out into the hallway. Really dodged a bullet there.

I scan up and down the hallways looking for Lysander, not seeing him. I start chewing on my lip as I head for where I remember his locker being, but he wasn't there either. Maybe Nathaniel's seen him.

I quickly turn and head for the student council room with my head down trying to think of what I should do if I can't find him or where else he could be. Maybe in the courtyard? But them that probably means he's leaving soon. I don't really want to talk to my aunt...I could just deal with it alone. Maybe it will be better than the other times. I haven't seen her in a month and I _am_ doing a lot b-

My heart leaps out of my chest as I run right into someone making me stumble backwards. I almost fell but my unfortunate victim caught me. I look up stunned and embarrassed, my face on fire.

Lysander!

"OH! Thank god I found you!" I say in relief, temporarily ignoring my embarrassment.

His cheeks redden as he looks at me in surprise. I notice he's still holding me and I remember that I just ran into him like a human battering ram, my cheeks growing warmer. I look away and step out of his secure embrace. He awkwardly lets me go offering a small embarrassed smirk.

I clear my throat trying shake off my humiliation.

"Sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going. It seems I always end up doing something stupid and mortifying when you're around," I chuckle uncomfortably, rubbing my neck and mentally face palming myself. _Why_ did I have to _say_ that?

Composing himself rather quickly he gives me one of his signature mysterious smiles before calmly speaking, "We all have our moments. I won't hold it against you. Truth be told my head was also in the clouds when I ran into you, so the fault is mutual. What were you looking for me for?"

I smile at his words feeling a little better, but I suddenly realize I don't know how to ask him for his help on this.

"I, uh, well I-" I clear my throat, "I wanted to ask you a favor, but it's kind of personal so I understand if you don't want to or can't."

He looks at me thoughtfully, "What sort of favor?"

I sigh not believing that I am about to ask him this. Quickly I scan the hallway and notice a few stragglers. I don't want anyone to over hear so I grab his arm gently and pull him into an empty classroom. I scan the room a second time for good measure before turning to face him and closing the door.

I pause for a moment biting my lip.

"Okay. So, I know I asked you to forget what I told you the last time we talked. You know...when you gave me my uniform?" He nods his head once, "Well I could use some one to listen to me today. I-" I scan the room one more time and speak a little more quietly make him lean in to hear me, "I have to go see my councilor today, it's mandatory, but she always makes things worse instead of better."

I let out a sigh, "Normally I would talk to my friend Ken after an appointment, but he just moved away,"I clench my jaw willing the tightness in my throat away, "I just need some one to listen to my ranting when I get out of my appointment...I'd rather not talk to my aunt." I look into his magnetic eyes waiting for a reply and ignoring the slight flutter in my chest from being so close to him.

Suddenly he straightens up before looking at me again, "I don't know how much help I'll be to you, but if you need an ear, I am willing to listen." He says calmly with that same small smirk/smile that drives me crazy.

I blush with a small grateful smile, "Thanks, Lysander. I know It's an odd thing to ask when I hardly know you, but I appreciate it all the same."

"I am happy to help in any way I can. I am hardly able to fathom what you have been through, but I admire your strength for even being here, and more so to have the wisdom to know hen to ask for help."

His words and the sincere look in his eyes my my heart pound and my cheeks blush even harder. "I-I- Th-thank you," I say while picking at my nails and looking at my feet. I look up at him and get lost in his eyes yet again causing me to bite my lip. God, he's beautiful.

I snap myself out of my trance, briefly looking away with a deep breath, and putting my business face on, "My appointment is in..." I look down at my watch. 4:00. My eyes widen and I gasp, "My appointment is in half an hour! It's on the other side of town! Is there a bus that usually comes at this time?"

"Oh, you don't have a car?" I shake my head. "That's alright. I can drive you. I don't have any commitments until eight this evening." He offers with a gesture for me to follow him.

I sigh in relief before following him out the door. "_Thank you_ so much. I'm really going to owe you after today. Honestly. I really appreciated this. I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise." I beam up at him trying to show how thankful I truly am.

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye with his wonderful smile, "It's my pleasure," he says simply.

Why does everything he does make me feel like I'm melting? And why doesn't that bother me? Am I really over being afraid of people? Should I be?

"Is everything alright?" He asks as we reach the parking lot and walk up to his flashy classic black car that I should probably know the name of.

"Yeah. Just thinking."

Thankfully he doesn't ask me what I was thinking about and instead opens the passenger car door for me.

"Thanks."

He nods his head before walking around to the driver's side and getting in.

"Where to?" He asks as he buckles up.

"Seventy second and Scott road."

* * *

We made it!

Five minutes late.

I rush up to the receptionist desk out of breath looking guilty, "Sorry I'm late!"

The receptionist's brow rose, "Laolanna Yates?"

I nod my head trying to catch my breath.

"Right this way." She says blandly.

"I shouldn't be too long." I tell Lysander apologetically as I follow the receptionist to the councilor's office.

I walk into the overly organized room that is entirely uninviting in its properness.

"Ah, , you're late. Is there anything I should know about?" She asks me in her assuming manner as her receptionist leaves us closing the door behind her.

And so it begins. Wonderful.

"Please. Take a seat." She beckons with false lightness to a firm looking sofa.

Reluctantly I sit on it.

"So. You look a little tired, is this why you were late?" She probes further.

Jesus, I was_ five_ _minutes_ late.

"_No_. My friend got lost driving me here." I say pointedly, giving her a bland look.

She scribbles something down on her stupid yellow note pad nodding to herself. I resist the temptation to roll my eyes.

"Ah, so you're making friends. This is good. And who is the friend that drove you today? What is he or she like?"

_What_? What kind of stupid question is that.

I answer the question with that exact expression on my face, "_He _is very nice. I haven't known him that long, but he has been nothing but a perfect gentleman and if you must know since I'm certain you are going to continue to pry, I also happen to work with his brother who is equally kind and gentlemanly," I huff irritably.

"I was not aware you felt as though I am prying. I will ask less questions, but then that means you must be willing to talk on your own."

I bite my tongue trying desperately not to tell her that she obviously isn't very perceptive then.

Sighing, I begin my useless attempt to convince her that I no longer need to see her.

* * *

"Remember, this is completely normal. Take things in baby steps and come up with a routine. Don't push yourself," She says handing me a tissue as she leads me out of her office, "You'l be okay in time."

I nod lamely, sniffling and wiping my tears.

"Please get the prescription filled before you go home. You'l sleep much better with it." She urges me as we come up the waiting room before turning around and going back to her office.

I sigh dragging my feet and avoiding eye contact with Lysander after getting his attention so we could leave.

Stepping out of the stuffy building I finally feel like I can speak.

I take a deep breath, "_Finally_. It's over."

Lysander chuckles softly behind me. "Are you alright?" He asks seriously, coming to stand in front of me.

I still avoid eye contact knowing I look even worse than before, "Yeah. I'm just tired now. That woman is unbelievable."

He sits on the hood of his car and welcomes me to join him.

Sitting next to him I begin my rant, "Read?" He nods with an amused smirk. "Okay, so I go in there and the first thing she does is pester me about being late! Were were five minutes late for christ sake! And she wouldn't let up until I explained why, started insinuating that something was wrong or that I wasn't sleeping because I look tired. She didn't even ask why I was tired, just automatically assumed that I wasn't sleeping right and having 'night terrors' about the incident. Didn't give a damn that maybe I have other things going on besides my parents being murdered almost five months ago. Like my closest friend and my only friend from my other school being shipped off to military school without warning and leaving without saying goodbye, but instead sobbingly admitting that he's in love with me and running away without any explanation! But of course THAT isn't relevant, why would that be a reason for me looking like crap?"

I stood up and started pacing, "Then when I corrected her assumption and said that you got lost on the way here, she gets all uppity and starts probing me about who you are and I had to go into a long winded explanation that I_ haven't _known you long, but that you were_ perfectly gentlemanly _and_ always _nice to me_. _That I _work _with your _brother _and that he to is _always gentlemanly._ And then she expected me to just ramble on about how I was doing so I did. I went on and on about how I was doing really well got a sort of mantra going and was starting to feel more like myself. Said I had made several friends and am keeping a diary and determined to not let the past consume me and then started probing me again and made me admit things that I had omitted like when I told you about what happened to my parents and then started insinuating that I wasn't dealing with the issue and was trying to ignore it and that this was going to make things worse. And I told her that I wasn't ignoring it just trying to make my parents proud and that I wasn't having problems sleeping. And then she was asking weird questions like when I wake up do I find I'm sweaty, how many hours a night do I sleep, do I ever wake up in the middle of the night, do certain stimuli still trigger memories, and every time I said sometimes or sort of she didn't care if I had another reason for it like the fact that I eat too late or have started working while going to school and have a lot of homework to do, or anything else. She jumped right into that I'm _suppressing my feelings _and that I need to reflect on my memories and stop pushing myself so hard. That I should take things slower. Essentially telling me all of my hard work that I was so proud of was wrong and so I got frustrated cause I AM tired and that always makes me more emotional, so then I started crying. And she told me crying was good, that it's good to mourn my parents and be frustrated by all of my emotions, that it's normal. and UHG!"

I cuss under my breath, "Honestly! She completely twists every word that comes out of my mouth. Now I'm doubting everything I had going before stepping into her stupid office. I told her I didn't think I was afraid of people any more, that I was willing to trust again, but more cautiously than before, that I felt like I knew what to look for, what to avoid, and she pretty much told me that I didn't and that I should be careful and take things slow. She's so confusing! shouldn't she be telling me the opposite?" I sigh shaking my head, "So frustrating. I think I'm done now. Sorry for talking your ear off." I apologize sitting back down next to him.

"My ear is just fine. If anything it is intrigued. I'm glad you were comfortable enough to have me listen and it was my pleasure to be of service to you." He says bowing his head courteously.

I feel myself blush again as I smile at my shoes. "Thank you. I'll try not to make a habit of this all the same."

"You're welcome. If you ever need my ear again, I'd be more than happy to lend it. Are you feeling better?"

"Much, actually." I smile at him in gratitude.

"Glad to hear it. Let's get you home." He says offering his hand to me as he stands. I take it gladly ignoring the sensation rushing from my hand to my core, making me almost undisguisably giddy. I envy the girl that steals his heart.

* * *

**Phew! I really struggled with these last two chapters. I'm not sure I am satisfied with the way I have written them. I am getting increasingly annoyed that I chose to write in first person present tense-it's a nightmare and is completely foreign to me. I may never do it again. **

**If you have any advice for me please let me know. **

**I am certain there are grammar and spelling mistakes so no point in mentioning that. I am horrible at typing. I tend to do it primarily with one had so I run into many typo issues. I also sometimes get my two stories confused when I'm writing, so if I mixed something up, again, please let me know.**

**Lastly, I am so happy people are following my story. It makes me way more willing to write. And every time I post a new chapter I'm always refreshing my email inbox to check for follows, favorites, and comments. Then when I get one I am childishly giddy... :D I ruv you!**

**Thanks for the support!**


	13. Chapter 13

**I am so sorry to all you fans out there who are reading this story for taking way too long to update. I can't promise that I will start to update more frequently, but I really do feel bad that it takes me so long. I don't even have a really legitimate reason for why I don't it's just life being a dick like it often is and I have my own romance drama going on right now that I don't know how to deal with so creating fictitious romance becomes a little more difficult. ASIDE from all that I am hoping that this long awaited chapter will somewhat make up for my long absence. It's quite a bit more exciting than previous chapters if I do say so myself, so let me know what chyall think.**

**Thank you for your continued support! I love you guys 3**

**PS there is a link at the bottom you may want to check out in regards to some possible singing that may or may not take place during this chapter.**

* * *

Lysander walks me up to my suit after finally finding my apartment and I find his company to be quite comfortable which surprises me. I turn to smile at him as we walk up to my door and he returns the gesture. I don't want him to go.

I quickly check my phone for the time. "What time did you say you had plans?" I ask him hopefully.

He quirks his smile at me like he always does, "I have time."

I grin at him with too many teeth, unable to hold back my excitement, "Did you want to come in for a bit?"

He bows his head with a smile, "I'd love to."

He follows me into my suit as I unlock the door to let us in. I take care to put my stuff some place reasonable instead of wherever like I normally do as he takes in his surrounds.

"I like it," he says after completing his survey of the general area, "simple, but comfortable."

I smile at his compliment, "Thanks, but I can't take credit for much. Most of this stuff was left behind by its previous tenant. An older woman used to live here and she passed not too long ago. Since she didn't have any family there was no one to claim her belongings." I admit honestly. Maybe too honestly… "It's a little weird sometimes, using a dead woman's things, but I try to get by thinking that she wouldn't want her things to go to waste and be forgotten." I shrug, taking my shoes off.

"I am sure she is smiling knowing that her home is being appreciated by a beautiful, kind, young lady," he says with his hands clasped behind him.

I feel my cheeks redden as quickly as my heart starts beating. H-he thinks I'm beautiful… I-Oh my god. "Th-thank you," I say quietly to the floor, pretending that I have something to pick up down there. He really sounded genuine. And he's so gorgeous, I think as I glance up at him before standing again. I so badly want to… "Sorry, I don't have much in the way of entertainment here. I don't even have TV." I say as I beckon for him to join me on the couch in my small living room.

We sit down at opposite ends of the couch facing each other.

"No worries, Laolanna. I don't care much for television anyway. I rather enjoy our conversations." He admits with his signature smirk

I chuckle a bit at that, "I can honestly say the same, but the funny thing is that our _conversations_ are usually pretty one sided, wouldn't you say?" Maybe I can finally get to know him. I cross my fingers behind my back as I cock my head expectantly. I almost feel like me again. I haven't been this relaxed in—

" I normally keep to myself."

I feel my face fall, "Oh. We—"

"But I am willing to make an exception. You seem good natured. What did you want to know?" he added, cutting me off, with a smile.

I smile too fully again and briefly reward myself with a mental face palm, before turning to give him my full attention, "Tell me anything! I've run into you several times and had two rather deep conversations with you and I hardly know a thing about you. Where are you from? What do your parents do? What's with the Victorian thing and is your hair natural?" I ask all at once without thinking first. Oops. That maybe sounded rude… _Victorian thing_? _Is your hair natural_? _Come on,_ Laolanna! What is wrong with you? I look down embarrassed and start picking at my nails again.

"Sorry," I mumble.

He chuckles, "You're quite a curious one aren't you?"

His smile and laugh is infectious I can't help my own from forming as I look back up at him, "And you're so mysterious." I reply with some sass feeling proud of myself and way too giddy. _God_, this guy is driving me crazy.

He looks me in the eyes and I melt.

I groan inside. Those eyes are delicious.

He sits back thoughtfully, "What was that first question again? Ah," he says turning back to face me, "Where am I from? I actually grew up on a farm just on the outskirts of town until about three years back when my brother decided to drop out of school and move out to pursue fashion. I moved out with him and we've been living together on our own ever since. And as for what my parent do, you can probably guess now that they are farmers although my father also builds wooden furniture and my mom holds private singing lessons at the house which is where I found my passion for sinning." He pauses at that, blushing at his admission and my open surprise.

"You _sing?_ What sort of stuff do you sing?" He just keeps getting better…

He blushes harder and has to clear his throat, "It depends, but mostly harder stuff with the band I have with my friend Castiel?"

He has a _band_. "You have a band?" I am way too openly awestruck. "Could I hear you perform some time?"

He chuckles again, "Yeah. I think I'd like that."

My heart. Deep breaths. He is absolutely incredible. "Great. I can't wait." I say with yet another watermelon smile. Stop that before you scare him off.

"If I wasn't so comfortable around you I would've said no, but I enjoy your company."

I blush and smile at that, "Yah. Me too. I understand what you mean though. I like singing to—" I cover my mouth with hands trying to take back what I said, "But I have never sung—"

"You sing? Can you sing something for me?" He asks looking more animated than normal with this adorable enthusiastic expression on his face that I have never seen before.

My eyes widen as I shake my head with my hands still covering my mouth.

He chuckles at me again as he removes my hands from my face. I blush harder at the feel of his hands on mine and allow him to move them. I mourn the loss of his touch as he lets go. God I want him… NO! stop that. Friend.

"Would you sing if I sang with you?" He asks gently making eye contact and throwing all of my resolve out the window. I nod dumbly with my mouth open.

What am I doing?

Never mind. Enjoy yourself. Relax.

But—

You deserve this moment.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "'Kay, you start."

He moves closer to me on the couch, "alright, do you know Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People?" I nod with a deep breath. "Relax," he encourages as he steels my eye contact again. I find it impossible to look away. I take another deep breath and nod. He chuckles again before taking a deep breath of his own, "P—"

"Wait!" I cut him off awkwardly. He cocks his brow in question. I get up abruptly and head for my room ignoring his utter confusion, "I have a guitar!" I call over my shoulder as I disappear into my room.

While I'm in there I take a minute to calm myself and build up my courage. I can do this. Shake it off.

I grab my guitar off its stand and join him on the couch once more, sitting a little closer than I had intended, but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Can you play? Or should I?" I ask him out of the corner of my eye.

"I'd love to hear you play." He says in his velvety calm warm voice.

I nod again and shake it out before settling my guitar comfortably in my arms and placing my fingers on the chords. I strum it a couple times checking to see if it's tuned. Luckily it is.

I start to strum the tune, but I mess up and got the notes wrong. I clear my throat and try to hide my blush behind my hair. "Sorry. It's been a while." I murmur.

"Take your time."

I reposition my fingers and start again. This time I get it right and instantly am drawn into the music. Then he begins to sing.

His voice is a rich warm slightly raspy and totally drool inducing sound that does all kinds of wonderful to my body, which is very difficult to ignore. I am so wrapped up in his voice and what it is doing to me that I almost miss my opportunity to sing along and awkwardly add a few words here and there until an opportunity opens for me to sing on my own.

As I lead into my part with the guitar I try to tune the rest of the world out, but I'm still a little nervous when I start so it comes out a little more stylized than I intended. It feels really awkward, but I ignore the sensation and continue the way I started like it was intentional.

Despite every voice in my head I glance at Lysander and am captivated by him yet again. He looks at me in amazement before a full on smile spreads across his face. I have never seen him wear such an open expression before and like seemingly everything else about him it is infectious, forcing one of my own smiles to form right along with those all too frequent butterflies. I have never felt so giddy in my life.

As he takes over again we are both smiling and singing along, letting him end the song even more beautifully than he started it.

I place my guitar on the coffee table as we sit back in the couch laughing for no reason. We turn our heads to look at each other, equally goofy smiles still on our faces.

"You have a beautiful voice, Laolanna." He says turning back into his usual calm self.

I blush some more, if that's even possible, as I look down at my lap, "Th-thanks… I've never sung in front of anyone before. You…um sing very well too. It suits you. Your voice that is."

I notice his cheeks get a little pink too. "Thank you." He says as calmly as ever. He really is something else.

Slowly things begin to settle as a comfortable silence falls around us as we sit side by side on the couch, shoulders barely touching.

I slouch down a little lower, getting comfortable. I listen to the silence before something suddlenly occurs to me. I turn my head towards Lysander again, "You know, you still haven't answered all my questions yet…"

He slouches down to my height and looks at me, "True. Where were we?"

I pause thinking back. My eyes widen when I my last two questions. "Uh. Never mind." I say too quickly.

"Oh. Right. The 'Victorian thing'." He smiled at my embarrassment. "I know you didn't mean it badly." I sigh in relief which makes him chuckle.

He turns on his side to face me more fully and I follow his lead, for some reason not minding how close we are to each other and rather relishing it. I like this. He even smells nice.

"My brother and I developed this fascination with the Victorian era at an early age and we just never got over it. And since my brother is into fashion we decided to bring a little bit of that era to the present. It's beautiful, charming and fascinating to us."

I smile at his answer, finding no words as I am too wrapped up in his presence, his voice, his words, his eyes, even his breath I notice now is fanning my face and soothing me.

"And your hair?" I manage to get out just above a whisper as I look up at it in fascination, finding two of my fingers lightly twirling one of the longer strands in the front without my permission and still not caring.

He smirks at me with slightly lidded eyes, "I was born with it. I dye some of the tips black." He says as he lightly takes the same piece of hair I was playing with, letting his fingers brush against mine as places the black tip over one of mine.

I suddenly realise by breath is shallow as I look into his eyes and barely raise my brows in question.

"My eyes are mine too." He says in deeper breathier voice. I breathe deeply savouring the sound, the smell, the feeling.

When I open my eyes his face is inches from mine and it's intoxicating. Our eyes lock, searching. We must've found what we were looking for because we suddenly close the space between us and our lips collide.

My heart is pounding in my chest deafening my ears to everything but the sounds of our breathing, gasps, and moans. I can't get close enough as I run my hands up his chest along his neck and into his silky soft hair.

I feel his hands gentle, but firm roaming over my back, fingers in the hair at the base of my head pulling me close and sending shivers down my spine. I gasp as his tongue brushes my top lip and moan as I cautiously brush my own against his.

The world has seemingly melted away and all I can think is Lysander, all I can do is feel, let the sensation envelop me and melt into the delicious sounds coming from Lysander.

My hands are no longer my own as they push at his coat and the white shirt beneath that is keeping me from his skin. An unfamiliar sound escapes my lips as I feel Lysander nuzzling my neck before I feel the sharpness of teeth and a dizzying pressure on my neck that sends a new sensation straight to my core. I claw the rest of his shirt off and run my dull nails down his back, savoring its warmth, a softness I never knew.

I let my lips trace along his surprisingly sculpted chest, trying to memorize every inch exposed to me like it's one of the wonders of the world. Abruptly he pulls me back and into another kiss, I feel my legs go weak until something scrapes against my scar.

My eyes fly open with a gasp, but I can't see and I start to panic. I push myself away and then I see it.

"_No…_No no no no_!" _I start backing away but I trip on something and fall down. My chest is heaving and I feel way too exposed. I feel dirty. My eyes start welling with tears. I vaguely hear my name but I can't focus on it as a face come in to view.

I struggle to breathe as my body freezes in fear. It can't be. "P-p-p-plea-_ease-se!"_

He draws closer to me and pulls me against his body and I scream, thrashing to get away from him unable to control my sobs. "_NO! NO! PLEEAASE!" _ I cry at the top of my lungs. I feel him at my ear, can feel his breath. He's saying something but I don't want to hear him. He's rocking my body and I can't get free. I can feel my whole body shaking and I can't think I can't move, I can hardly breathe, I can't…

I hear a bang and I jump making me gasp. I blink a few times as my breathing returns to normal. I'm on the floor in Lysander's bare arms with no shirt, my coffee table is broken, blood from somewhere and my aunt is in my doorway furious.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" She shouts as throws herself at Lysander. "GET _OFF OF HER_!" She pushes a horrified Lysander away from me and pulls me into her arms trying to protect my modesty. "GET OUT!" She yells as Lysander stumbles backwards.

"I-I-It's- Ma'am- Just—"

"DON'T YOU _DARE_ MA'AM ME! _ GET OUT! And don't you ever show your face here again." _ She ground out.

Lysander shot me a concerned apologetic look as he quickly gathered up his stuff and left.

What have I done?

* * *

Afore mentioned link: watch?v=WYYWkl_F1jI


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